Reactive Attitudes and Demands

            Sherman’s ideas about the expectations that follow negative reactive attitudes mirror the basis for which I have always had trouble “forgiving” others: when you must explain to someone else why he should feel guilty, and he does not realize this on his own, that person may exhibit “contrite behavior” but he does not truly feel remorse. People often regard the inability to clearly voice one’s issues with others as having poor communication skills. Deciding that some interpersonal relationships are not for you before hashing it out with the other person is viewed as immature. But what is the utility of the confrontation? Investing normative hope in another person seems like it has great potential for disappointment unless you are okay with the idea of that person only correcting certain behaviors to appease you, not out of genuine sorrow. And as Sherman says, “feigned  guilt  doesn’t  really  satisfy  the  person  who  expresses  resentment  toward  a  target  with  the  aim  of  her  specific  moral  address  being  received  or  recognized,  and  expressly  acknowledged.”

            Asking people to change their behavior in a way that is more considerate of you is somewhat asking them to change who they are, and to change their intentions, which is very difficult. They may change their behavior, but they are doing so to please you, not because they want to or believe they should. Generally, I feel as though this is unsustainable. People will be conscious of your resentment for some time after you have made them aware of it, but the more distant you get from the last time you confronted them, the more their behavior will begin to revert back to how it was. It is possible that they will even begin to resent you back for asking them to change aspects of who they are. And once their original behavior is restored, it is only a matter of how many chances you are willing to give them.

            Ultimately, if you cannot change someone’s mindset, there is no point in trying to simply change behavior. It is somewhat like training a dog to perform a trick by offering it treats and then expecting the dog to genuinely want to perform the trick even with no prospect for a treat. Perhaps it is more fruitful to instead seek new interpersonal relationships with others whose mindsets are more in line with your own, such that they share your expectations and reactive attitudes. Resultantly, consideration of your well-being will come more naturally, and not stand as something you must ask for.